Archive

Archive for the ‘cooters’ Category

Coming soon – Cooters!

January 19th, 2008 13 comments

Casino solves turtle problem
Anti-casino forces were heartened by reports that a rare turtle occupies the site of the proposed Mashpee Wampanoag casino proposed for Middleboro Massachusetts.

Opponents of the Mashpee Wampanoag tribe’s plan for a resort casino in Middleborough have found a potential ally in their bid to block the project. Weighing in at 10 pounds and favoring naps in the sun, it is the northern red-bellied cooter, a turtle that is listed on both state and federal endangered species lists.,

Anti-casino elation was cut short when Tribal spokesman Scott Fearsome outlined the tribes plans to deal with this bump on the road toward the casino – which we all know is inevitable.

Cooters anyone?
Fearsome explained the problem and solution in terms that anyone could understand:

Being stewards of the land, the tribe has known about this turtle all along. In fact, Glenn Marshall tells a very charming antidote from his hunter-gatherer days when he accidentally served Bald Eagle kabobs and Cooter soup to a representative the EPA. He gets a laugh at parties with that old chestnut to this day.

We can’t build the casino and save the turtles too. Fortunately there are a couple of other locations where a few of these beasties are clinging to life. The turtles on the Middleboro site will go to that great wetland in the sky. We will host an innovative restaurant with a focus on educating the public about the few remaining red-bellied cooters in the rest of the state. We will name the restaurant in honor of the turtles – Cooters.

Ode to the red-bellied cooter
Cooters restaurant will be styled after the popular “Hooters” chain but with a twist. The waitresses uniforms will consist of turtle shell tops similar in concept to the shells adorning the bosoms of the legendary mermaid. These shells will come from actual red-bellied cooters killed by the construction of the Mashpee Wampanoag Resort Casino.

The restaurant will be festooned with attractive coasters with the inspirational environmental slogan “Save Cooters”. The restaurant will also feature turtle soup, souvenir turtle shell ashtrays – which will come in very hand since smoking is allowed in the facility. Children will be able to purchase exciting teenage mutant ninja cooter costumes.

Fearsome explained “This is truly a tasteful ode to the red-bellied cooter that is consistent with the tasteful style of our entire resort. While we regret the loss of one of the last remaining pockets of these creatures – we believe that our info-tainment will raise awareness and save the rest of the turtle population. This public education campaign is sorely needed since CasinoFacts.org has plans to exterminate the entire population of red-bellied cooters.”

This inspiring solution to a vexing problem is truly an example of casino developers doing it right.

Categories: casino, cooters, humor Tags:

Switch to our mobile site